My last couple of posts have been centering around when we don’t remain in a space of question. It’s interesting how things can spiral right down the crapper when we aren’t asking questions.
So, what is possible when we do remain in that space of question?
A few years ago, I found myself single again and dating. I approached the prospect of dating in a different way…kind of wanting to test it out and see what occurred. So, I pretty much went out with anyone who asked…unless I had that creepy feeling in my gut from the get-go. In that case, I did not say yes. I enjoyed the process…meeting new people, learning about different perspectives, laughing, free food & drinks. How does it get any better than that!??!
And since I wasn’t trying to land a new husband, I was able to just be me & they could take it or leave it. It was infinitely more fun that way, for me. If they thought I was weird and never called again, cool. If the first date was fun and they asked for a second, cool. If the first date was fun and they didn’t ask for a second, cool. It was filled with lightness.
One of my favorite perspectives on dating comes from the movie Fools Rush In. In it Matthew Perry offers this interesting and pretty accurate account of dating:
Let me ask you a question. What the hell is dating anyway? Except some long drawn out process of elimination where you both try to present your best sides while hiding the real you. And that can only last about three months anyway, because eventually it leaks out and then you spend the next three months getting to know your real selves. And then one of you wants a commitment. The other one wants to bail. Then you have to start all over again.
I did not do this. For some reason, I was able to remain in a space of question and lightness and fun. When I looked at dating, when I went into dating, I fully expected to play the field, as some might say. I didn’t view it that way..and that’s what society calls it right? I viewed it as being selective. As not settling for anything less than phenomenal. And from my point of view, the most fun way to do that was to meet as many different people as possible to see what was fun for me. So that’s exactly what I did.
How many people settle?! How many people bend, fold, staple and mutilate themselves to fit the mold of this person they meet just so they can have “relationship?” Yea. THAT! No, thank you.
Being in Question
Staying in this space of question created a unique experience for me. I met a guy and we went on a date and had fun. He asked if we could go out again sometime. I asked if that would be fun & rewarding and it was light & expansive. So we went out again. We continued to date for a while. And at no point did I “decide” that he must be the one.
I recently went back and took a little walk down memory lane, reading old emails, when I was *supposed to be* cleaning up my way overcrowded inbox. It was interesting how both of us said on more than one occasion, “I have no idea if this is going anywhere or what is ahead, but we’re having fun and I really enjoy spending time together.”
Somehow, we both managed to walk in this space of question and possibility without getting hung up in conclusions like “He’s Mr. Right” or “She’s the one.”
Staying in Question
It’s now a full 2+ years later and we are still playing in question. Even as we plan our wedding, we are able to move through it all in a space of question and “no idea what’s next.” And yes, some days may be less or more fun than others and yet, if I step into a space and look at what would my life look like in 1 year or 3 years or 5 years if he wasn’t in it, it feels heavy and blah. And when I step into a space of “What will my life look like in 3 years or 5 years or X years with him?” There is lightness and expansiveness and fun.
So, maybe he’ll choose to stick around. He could always choose not to. And my life will be all the better for having him in it. Whether it lasts another month or the rest of my lifetime, I am grateful for the joy and fun and ease that I have had so far. I am grateful for everything he has contributed to my life and my children’s lives. What a gift!
Have you experienced a time when you “listened to your gut” and things worked out even better than you could have imagined? I’d love to hear about it.